After all these nights, I thought I finally figured out, how to move on, but still im on a ship thats sinking down

What's come over me,
Why can't I keep from wasting time,
You said it's over, leave
But I can't keep from lagging behind

Will these words, make it to you slowly, will they reach you at all
My heart's a condemned building preparing to fall

What's come over me,
why can't I keep from wasting my time
You said its over, leave
But I can't keep from lagging behind

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You allow me securities despite what I've done
You surround my impurities and You count me as your son
Oh, You know, I am so dumb, but You're right there to save me
Through the shadows, through my doubts, You're the only one who frees me

I feel Your Soul deep within, and it's been calling me out, calling me out
When I am lost in my own sin, I hear You, calling me out, calling me out

Even when I plunge, down to the bottom of what I've become
You lend Your Love, as You help me up
And every minute I spend with You, all of my past fades further out of view

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*...confessional...*

Dreams are tricky things..
Things appear that you knnow deep down you want, and even if u can resist them when your awake, the thought of NOT wanting them doesn't occur to you soon enough to at least think about resisting....but then waking up, if you can remember the dream enough, leads to a slight conviction.....or in my case, what've I done?

My dreams consist of dying, or doing the one thing I cannot do, I refuse to do, the last thing that would separate me from humanity in my eyes and completely toss me into the rank of monsters....

I CANNOT DO THIS ON MY OWN!
I need Jesus' touch in everything
God help me

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*...betweenHeaven&Hell...*

When I dream, you're exactly what I ask for
But wide awake, I know exactly what I left for...
Tormenting nights are your delight
Leavingg me begging, pleading, please bring me glowing morning light

Before I lose myself, im going, im going
Im leaning farther then I would
Farther than I thought I could
Farther in than I'd ever admit I should

But He was always there, and is, and always will be
And He really seems to care, more than you've ever showed me

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*...our reflection...*

Sitting alone in the corner of his room
He considers all the options
One more day like this, is all it'll take for him to lose it
He goes to the cabinet
Pulls out a straight razor
Doesn't even look at it
he chokes it in his
Right hand
he thinks, this what he deserves
As he, purges

No no! No, no no! Don't take it out on yourself
No no! No, no no! Dont take it out on yourself!
Everybody falls down!
Everyone will feel the ground
Crumble beneath them
Don't believe that its all over yet!
Everybody falls down!
Everyone will feel the ground
Crumble beneath them
Don't believe that its all over yet!

Sitting alone in the corner of her room
She considers all the options
As she thinks about all the stares and glares she felt
What's that image?
Does it fit with this?
If I don't eat, will it make me look perfect?
When the real question is, is social gluttony worth it?

No no! No, no no! Don't take it out on yourself
No no! No, no no! Dont take it out on yourself!
Everybody falls down!
Everyone will feel the ground
Crumble beneath them
Don't believe that its all over yet!
Everybody falls down!
Everyone will feel the ground
Crumble beneath them
Don't believe that its all over yet!

We all get caught up in our own reflections and miss the scenery just passed the glass

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*...no general direction...*

If you focus gently, then you may see, a stranger in the distance walking, the night clothes it's figure while the moon shine is bright, and the only thing you can make out is barely mentioned cries..
Off in the horizon, it wanders back and forth with a ember, lit on its lip, and a posture, its drag of the hips, as you can study how itt walks in an undirected motion,

Walking closer, the figure seems to bbe shrinking, till you're close enough to see this figure is more of a girl not quite at your height, her age is unknown, if you'd ask she'd probably lie, she nodds hello with a lit cigarette and a bottle of crown, you watch, stunned, as she lifts and swallows it all, then smashes the glass to the ground

and then the sights surround, there is music from no sound and a club springs up around her, dancing the night away
But when 3 comes along, she's not ready to leave
She comes back to you to ask for one more drink
Even when before you said no, and she called you cheap
She can barely stand and you can tell that her body's weak
You ask if she's alright, she asks if she can spend the night
You take a second to think twice but say yes when you see tears in her eyes
"Its been a year since I've been home", she cries
"It's been a year full of roofies, weed, and lies"
She whispers as you take her in your arms
"Rest safely, tonight i've got you. No one here is going to hurt you"
They remain right on the edge of your tongue since she had already fell asleep, her body couldn't take all the pain, even though you know it's numb

Honestly, you're in another city, you were just passing by, when you saw her figure in the distance and went to find out what was what..
So you take her back to your motel, its a shame, she's so cute, why does she do this to herself, you lay her down and tuck her under your covers, and spend the night sitting in a seat right beside her, wandering how exactly she's to the react waking up the morning after..

hours pass, its 3pm, she's just now starting to wake, she rubs her eyes and stretches then, looks at you, then at her, and gives a look like" oh my, not again!"
You back away, and just say hey..I found you last night, I wont hurt you please don't be afraid
She just smiles, pulls out a lighter, "well, how did you like it?"
"I am sorry, but you misread clues of what have happend"
"Wait, what do you mean?"
You explain; she said she thought that was all just a dream
apparently she had been misused so many times, she tries to find an outlet some way to escape, so she goes into fantasies types so strong they ressemble dreams, but you assured her its not what she had come to believe, then she said she did remember vaguely sneaking out to drink..

You asked who she is but she quickly presses her finger to you lips as she interrupts with "I like you, please don't ask too much about me, because I'm afraid of what you might do if you found out"

In instant shock at the wording, you think back to last night and want to ask her more....but who are you? Just a person caught in a dire situation with no help, no guidance ...how can you help?
Sometimes leaving things as they lay is the safest way

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*...phrases (pt1)...*

Im a car crash baby, torn up like a limousine , leave me on the side of the street and don't give into me

I know its just so tempting, to stop, and see what you're missing
But at best our love is just, accidental

If you stay, then they'll pass and say
Look at them, they're ghosts caught up in the past
Silly kids don't they know that it won't last
My death is on your hands, your free spirit sucked me in like quick sand

Barely wide awake, covered in sweat and taken by shakes, our memories are hard to escape, i'm tryin hard to get away but have only been running in place, I guess something inside of me is still holding on to you

But if dreams are right, then you'll never be mine, your ambitions are to leave all of me behind

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*...grey-scale...*

What is there to relay when all the information is the same? Or how can you measure the difference if nothing has changed?

And how do you believe you are more, if you do less?
Where is the sense in that?

Some say, you must keep to gain..others say, saving is vain. The issue argued as it is black or white..as an artist, I employ grey-scale

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*...adj:...*

Its like this dream is fading, but at least that means there's sleep

Sooo soooo tired...my eyes are drooping gently, closing, swooping, imagining scenes, plotting schemes, pretending all is as it seems when instead reality is literally bursting at the seams,

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*...no thing...*

Its hard, at times I feel so alone, at home, and people speak cus they think my heart is made of stone, they say those things that slash my dreams, and really only make nightmares reality, they rip the peace right out of me,

And I try, so hard I keep the pain inside of me, for if it shows they like to call me weak, and sometimes I tend to think, what kind of man do they see? Less of who I am and more like a freak, a lesser being,

A waste, a disease, a kick in the spleen, whatever it is..whatever it means, ......you've raped me of self integrity

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This was the the best memory of mine, we perched together like two birds on a power line. One false slip and I felt glitched. A tiny shock ran through my spine. And my little welp led to awkward silence, till you squinted both your eyelids with a look that I could only imagine. January 2nd is when it happened, and for the first time that year, you smiled in satisfaction. The reason being because the day before you watched your life walk out the door...

When we first met, it was like a sunset
Jaw dropping beauty existing in the universe unchecked
All by itself, it was top shelf
And all alone is how it felt
As the colors faded, way out past the horizon
I look her way and begged for her to open her eyes and

Come- join- me please
And forget all that they say
You're- not- a tease
They're just jealous in that way

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*...reflect...*

You hide away, behind the music and lights..friends and late nights..drugs and beer rides..finding comfort in the moment, but not holding on to anything for fear its true nature will be revealed and thw joy it once brought will be replaced by guilt or shame....your paranoid of this situation just barely enough that when asked you give a fake name.. so discusted by your past, things you just let..so ashamed of your beauty, you attack your wrist and face leaving you too weak hearted to take the meaning of your name to give access to a helpful soul..for. so longg you hid behind self made walls of a secret depression, surrounded by a similar feeling crowd so your loneliness is masked by numbers ironically ..but when the lights are off and the only light is the glow of your cell, you cry because you know this isn't happiness, this isn't love, this isn't healthy, this isn't fair, this isn't what you wanted, this isn't ...............your fault..my heart is with you..im right here beside you..my soul breaks in the wake of memories that bind me, I am lost in a sea of regret, burried in a grave of remorse for the help I can't provide, I water crops leading to the harvest of depression with my tears, if I never again see you here, ill meet you there...

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*...(Needed:) to be fixed...*

I feel my spirit searching..
I give up intoxication by alcohol, tobacco, etc. And I give up the company of people who partake in such acts involving said intoxicants. But is it just an outside change? I no longer crave the effects they dealt me in dealing with nervousness and stress..but my soul still searches for relief.. i've changed my tatics in finding a solution, but still suffer the same problem..all of this was in vain

I need to be fixed

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*...im sorry...*

The city I call my home no longer comforts me...not like it really did to begin..
Back before I moved to an empty apartment, I felt alone in a household. Even when im amongst people, I feel distant....I feel abandoned though I know I shouldnt

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*...damnDucks...*

The world says "good riddance" and "it was nice to know ya", "u didn't need that anyways, she's no good for u" ..or as one person put it sooo eloquently, "buck up Chuck, there'a always another duck to f..."

But that's not how I roll...no more duck f...ing
......damn ducks

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*...theSearchForSomethingNew...*

Discouraged is a fitting answer if the question was "How're you feeling?"

Down in the dumps, could work too. The simple comparison is thanks to having an empty 2br apt, no friends, no cable/internet/ just a phone and an xbox with beaten video games and memorized movies...

Where's something new?

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*...justa rannt...*

So im sitting here at 3:54am waiting to go into work at Publix..Im a baker's assistant doing a baker's job...I really do not like these hours...uggghhhhh

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*...decree ...*

Father, Your will not mine...I would surrender my life a thousand times, You are no contest...

You know the struggles of my life, You know the death of my pride, You know the meaning of my rhyme, You've known me all this time..

My heart has ripped and split, I clinch it closed within my fist, blood spills out and drips off of my fingertips, emotional scars remain the longest, Lord forgive me, I know You're strongest, this organ still lives a lie, with every beat it continues to die until one day it rots inside

My love, my Love.. a Lion, a lamb...
This decision has been made, my life for I Am

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*...tv screen...*

Now I am alive,
I see the movie
projecting from the light, searching for a chance to steal a glance and all this time ,
you sit there choosing
to watch your tv screen

Hello remote, the words just flow from your lips; the undertow has you slipping into its grip, "can't miss my show", even though, you could be apart of the featured film, but you decided to skip it, dip it, and now ur on your own sick and limpin, watchin the little black screen and how you could've made a difference

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*...confession...*

In all honesty, I don't know what to do.........

Every day something new is revealed to me as far what I need to give up to make more room for God...and for the most part, the initial sacrifice of these things I need to let go is hard but get easier as everyday I pray for strength to continue, all except one.....

Every time she pops in my head, I pray.. most times for Him to comfort me and help me get my mind off of her, and other times for her herself, praying she's fine..
I don't know if I should embrace the fact that she means so much to me still that I struggle everyday with letting her go, or to feel remorse for knowing there are minutes in my life when she trumps God and invades my thoughts....Lord please help relieve this..I don't want to give up on her, but I can not allow worldly memories of her condemn me based on Your jealousy, please forgive me

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*...defeatedPrayer...*

God is great, God is good...can you please take away these feelings? I know it was all my fault and I should have to deal with the consequences, but you're a loving God who has given us salvation..I ask for something so small in comparison to what you've already given..I know im no one to ask anything of you, but Father please..the slightest though about it drives me to my knees in agony, knowing I may never again get to be in that particular personable relationship ...Lord, help me?

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*...acid rain...*

These acts we've slipped into, they carry us into alternate realities ..they pluck at the strings of our hearts, till a sour note is struck.. im scared to remember those deeds that began our downfall.. they're still so fresh in the front of my mind.. through this babbling have I lost track of the warning?.. I feel sheltered at times from an acid rain, but when I am covered, I curse the shade, and when it is removed, I cry out for it's replacement in screams of agony, "oh. Lord oh lord, how could you allow such a thing upon me?"

He who is Great, has all the power to stop anything...but sometimes we've decided to allow our own nightmares to reign over our lives....

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Times like these are always around the corner, but it's my causing and no one other's.. I should've said no the first time we shared a breath, but I was too caught up in the motion of our act.. injusticely I could ask for help from God, but He didn't put me in this situation, nah it was my fault..

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*...sad,sick,nightmare...*

She's the girl with the gauges and lip ring..she's got dyed hair that changes from week to week, I love the way she spreads her lips and cheeks showin her tiny, little white teeth.. its a smirk to start a heartbeat ...her eyes claimed my attention from a single bat their lashes, bangs hanging invading her face, if she was a thief i'd show her the stash, combination to the safe.. she doesn't have any tattoos but wants one, in a place that can't be seen, just a tad obscene, that's cool with me, I mean what can I say cus im not clean.. but that's the thing about this little girl of my dream fantasy, she's simple independent while loving the scene, she's attracted to a since of danger, ready to scream, ......just. another sad sick nightmare made reality

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*...another word...*

Its a struggle to swallow, emerging regret for a promise unkept..I wonder if my words are full or just completely hollow..I guess I wont find out anytime soon because time has stopped, sun frozen in the sky, set clocks to noon.. then take a step back, wait for the leader, but I don't know what im saying, im a dreamer not a speaker.. a wisher slash schemer, call me what you want but im sttill a make believer..

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*...swimming lessons...*

So im guessing today's just not one of my days.. I can't shake this feeling of, .....well, like when ur swimming underwater and u start to run out of air, and your lungs are starting to starve for air, and u break surface, that millisecond of when the air is rushing in, right before u feel safe, the panic/uncertainty is still there with that slight feeling that ur chest is about to implode ....that feeling is how I've been feeling, ........hope the day takes a turn for the better

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*...Vine...*

..though in spiritual rehabilitation, I still find myself acting like the man I tried to lay to rest. Like a vine growing twisted with tiny crawlers that attempt to latch onto anything that's close to provide stability. It would be a terrible thing if these sickly poisoned things leached onto another beautiful wildflower as they did before...crushed under the weight of this vine's hopes and dreams

God lend me strength and support..

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*...Love as written...*

I read through the book of the Song of Solomon, also known as the Song of Songs, today. At first, I didn't read it for myself, rather, I ended up reading the whole book in a few translations thanks to research. A very dear friend of mine, Amelia, had asked if I could draw her a picture based on the verse found in the third chapter..Verse five, it reads, "Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, by the gazelles and the wild dear, not to awaken love until the time is right" worded by the New Living Translation.

By reading the verse alone, I was amazed and confused....so, I read through the whole book to see if maybe in context there could be some light shared on the subject. So I read it through the New Living Translation (NLT), the English Standard Version (ESV), and the New International Version (NIV)...I also veiwed some versions through the King James Version (KJV) and the New King James Version (NKJV)...and through the different takes on the subject, small bits became clearer ....prayer also helped paint a more vivid picture, as it always seems to when you ask the original artist about His artwork

Those particular words, "Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, by the gazelles and the wild deer, not to awaken love until the time is right" regardless of the translation, occurs three different times...first in chapter two verse seven, a second time in the third chapter verse five, and again in the eighth chapter verse four.. the same message repeated three times throughout the small cryptic book of poetic design.

I have fallen even deeper in love with His living Word, even further into His arms I've devoted my soul...

I think I know just what I'm going to draw :)

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*...rearranged...*

I feel something has changed, something inside of me...obviously
nervousness has a name, a face, a frame...but where can I hide when I'm to blame...im the leader of a one man marching band, our song of depression is my claim to fame...and yet, this is who I was the day before yesterday, while today again I say I've changed...the truth revolves blindingly, my life remains dim, it is uncertian....I leave it to Him

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*...take a bite...*

as these days take flight...so do my dreams and wishes.
I want to remember everything, I want to feel all those emotions. what I want and what I need are completely different things...

I've always had an issue with being afraid of being left alone, abandoned so to speak. Some of these issues, im sure, stem from knowing I was put up for adoption. When I was younger, I only thought it was because my mother didn't want me..later as I grew older my parents now told me it was because she couldn't afford to raise me as she thought I should have a chance to be raised and that for 3years my parents wanted to adopt me but couldn't because my birth mother still could bare to let me go....they went on to say that everytime she and I got to visit at the adoption agency she cried when she had to buckle me up in my new parents' van......now I can understand having to let go of something that truely means the world to you.

another abandonment issue was when I did end up getting adopted, the family I lived with fostered a large group of kids all at one time, so for my first 4years living with the Mark family (my family now) I had alot of" brothers" and" sisters"....but when the adoption was finalized, there were just four kids left, three older foster brothers and myself, one of the foster brothers ended up being adopted by the Mark family as well, but moved out about 2years later.....I first moved in when I was 3, was adopted at age 6 and my brother moved out when he turned 18, I was 8... so I went from having a house full of people to being the only child at home...

it wasn't too bad at first because I was in a public elementary school and had friends there, but 2years later, I was enrolled into a smal private school with a grand total of 32 childern from the grades of Kindergarden to 12th grade..

I was in church this whole time, and moved from the childern's group to the youth group and was the only one my age, and being a shy/awkward kid didn't help much with making friends...

I eventually moved from my small private school to a semi-large community college when I was in 11th grade due to a program that allowed me to duel-enroll..a program that was/is offered to many students around the area I live, so I met new friends there, which was nice, but drama with an ex-girlfriend drove me away from the group of friends I had aquired and again I felt alone.....

ever since I was 14 I have been working, and have made professional friendships with many people, as to say, I was friends with people there while I was on the clock but never hungout with anyone after my shifts were done...this changed a little when I turned 17 when I was working at a local skating rink with kids my age, the first job I worked with people my age...so I got a new set of friends,....

but after my highschool graduation I moved out of state to attend college at Liberty University in Lynchburg, VA. Again I wa alone, but I lived on a dorm and met more friends...only to drop out after one semester due to lack of money and had to move back home...

after moving back home, my old friends all hated me for moving, and I couldn't blame them, so I didn't hangout with anyone for a year...then that's when I ventured out to find more..I found some, not the best group, but for the past 2years, they were a deciding factor in how my life had changed dramatically ....

my life style had been dominantly Christian, but moving back home and in desperate desire to feel like I was part of a group, I sunk in with a crowd that introduced me to alcohol, and then....drinking became my closest friend......however drinking caused me to go down a road I never intended on visiting...it drew me away from my walk with God....

present day; I turned my back on my friends yet again, but this time in hopes of finding that which I rejected,...a closer and more intimate relationship with the friend who never left my side, Jesus Christ, and through His love, I've already been meeting new better friends...

I can only thank God for the happiness I've been feeling recently, and I don't intend on running away from His love again, not after all I've done to ruin a friendship I never fully understood and will probably never will

....this is only a portion of my story

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*...confession...*

its a hunger..a craving..the desire to be the recipient of compassion from another being..to hear teasing words that please the ear..to see an attractive body drawing near..all temptaions..which sucks.......

ok, done with the cryptic, I like girls, I like pretty girls, I like that im happy around and dating pretty girls...but idk if I can honestly handle it right now, and the worst part is, I don't want to say no to pretty girls........ughhhh I need self-control....im trying to be a stronger Christian, and having a beautiful girl around me all the time makes it harder to focus on having a spiritual relationship with God when its much easier to get lost in a physical relationship with a girl who's right there....I have alot of work ahead of me, but I can rest assured Christ is there to help ease the burden of my sin and stress.........................................but Christ! did u have to make her so pretty when she wears a dress???

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*...sketchy...*

guess im back at it again, dedicated to a special friend, acceptance is the real gift..

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*...collection...*

many if not most of anything anyone will read on this particular blog consists of unfinished thoughts and phrases....just a disclaimer

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is it worth it in the end? looking forward before begin, planning out our every sin, trying to dodge convictions..its ok, I know im good,

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*...smiles...*

sometimes, the weight of the world rests on my shoulders..at least that's how I feel till I realize its just a mirror on my back reflecting my soured thoughts, its only after seeing the comparison that the idea of mind over matter sets in and convinces me that if we "feel it's real" then even if it's not, it is, in spirit....

im sad to admit im easily discouraged. Most of the time I can fake a smile, but a few close friends have said they can notice a difference between the real deal and the poser. But there's only maybe 4 people who are close enough to tell. I'm friendly but I wear a mask alot of times when I'm out and about, so if someone knows my "3key secrets" I'd say they're a close friend, and there are a limited amount of them though the number is slowly growing...

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the truth is I feel useless, ughhhh, these feelings come and go, sometimes its easy to just brush them aside, but then there are times when they pile up and smuther me..I don't understand, with a crazy chick that's all about me, but the one I want can't stand to talk to me, I guess its always happened this way, but at one time o had that girl of my dreams, till I messed with my chance and blew the whole thing away....all I did was said I cared and tried to help, tried to be there, but I guess when someone doesn't want help there's no way to force them, and now im sitting still hand covered face remembering the place I first met the girl with an angelbit face, some say there was nothing I could do, that she chose her own fate, I don't hear anything they say when im feeling this way, waking up from dreams every other morning covered in sweat and tears, shivering from head to toe with vivid homemade memories...

if anyone asks, I messed up and ill take the blame..id do anything I can, I kno I deserve the pain, love killed

and Love finds a way, through devastation I finally heard my name being called all the time by Jesus..now only for Him do I feel ashamed,,

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*...mermaid...*

check it out, now im underwater breathing, don't know how cus I swear my chest is heaving, cus my head is full of these sad thoughts and my stomach's empty from spewing chucks.......uh-hu-hum, can u hear me now? mic check real quick, im not getting sound.. sailed the seas and finally found a mermaid, started talking then ended up at her place, not really sure what just happened here, we made love but when I woke up she disappeared, but I guess that's just what happens when u sell urself to the oceans, find urself shipwrecked thanks to jagged emotions

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*...dreamComeTru...*

a morning stuttered yawn creeps from my throat......eyes open to a blurred world with still heavy eyelids......a broken heart thanks to being reminded, last night she visited in my dreams, we hugged and kissed like we never missed a thing, of course it felt so real 'cus its what my heart wanted to feel, but in the morning's dimming light there's a little twinkle from the tear that I cried.......

meeting you was a dream come true, the worst part is, nightmares are dreams too

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*...tiredThoughts...*

this was never what I intended..how could I have become so caughtt up in the way u spoke or the way u crooked ur smile...ur metal infected kisses pronounced the description of what I've been wishin....and when it ended, so terrible and quick, I was left to ponder the reasons of why you split, was it ever to mean anything? was it all just made up in the shape of a 3week fling?...

at the time u taught me not to regret, so now I don't but where did u go?
another

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*...09/12/10...*

wish I would've met u an hour ago, or so
cus I wasn't really sure what I was doing then, but now I know that it wasn't worth it in the end
whoa oh ohaa oh oh
I saw them in the food court,

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