I want to remember everything, I want to feel all those emotions. what I want and what I need are completely different things...
I've always had an issue with being afraid of being left alone, abandoned so to speak. Some of these issues, im sure, stem from knowing I was put up for adoption. When I was younger, I only thought it was because my mother didn't want me..later as I grew older my parents now told me it was because she couldn't afford to raise me as she thought I should have a chance to be raised and that for 3years my parents wanted to adopt me but couldn't because my birth mother still could bare to let me go....they went on to say that everytime she and I got to visit at the adoption agency she cried when she had to buckle me up in my new parents' van......now I can understand having to let go of something that truely means the world to you.
another abandonment issue was when I did end up getting adopted, the family I lived with fostered a large group of kids all at one time, so for my first 4years living with the Mark family (my family now) I had alot of" brothers" and" sisters"....but when the adoption was finalized, there were just four kids left, three older foster brothers and myself, one of the foster brothers ended up being adopted by the Mark family as well, but moved out about 2years later.....I first moved in when I was 3, was adopted at age 6 and my brother moved out when he turned 18, I was 8... so I went from having a house full of people to being the only child at home...
it wasn't too bad at first because I was in a public elementary school and had friends there, but 2years later, I was enrolled into a smal private school with a grand total of 32 childern from the grades of Kindergarden to 12th grade..
I was in church this whole time, and moved from the childern's group to the youth group and was the only one my age, and being a shy/awkward kid didn't help much with making friends...
I eventually moved from my small private school to a semi-large community college when I was in 11th grade due to a program that allowed me to duel-enroll..a program that was/is offered to many students around the area I live, so I met new friends there, which was nice, but drama with an ex-girlfriend drove me away from the group of friends I had aquired and again I felt alone.....
ever since I was 14 I have been working, and have made professional friendships with many people, as to say, I was friends with people there while I was on the clock but never hungout with anyone after my shifts were done...this changed a little when I turned 17 when I was working at a local skating rink with kids my age, the first job I worked with people my age...so I got a new set of friends,....
but after my highschool graduation I moved out of state to attend college at Liberty University in Lynchburg, VA. Again I wa alone, but I lived on a dorm and met more friends...only to drop out after one semester due to lack of money and had to move back home...
after moving back home, my old friends all hated me for moving, and I couldn't blame them, so I didn't hangout with anyone for a year...then that's when I ventured out to find more..I found some, not the best group, but for the past 2years, they were a deciding factor in how my life had changed dramatically ....
my life style had been dominantly Christian, but moving back home and in desperate desire to feel like I was part of a group, I sunk in with a crowd that introduced me to alcohol, and then....drinking became my closest friend......however drinking caused me to go down a road I never intended on visiting...it drew me away from my walk with God....
present day; I turned my back on my friends yet again, but this time in hopes of finding that which I rejected,...a closer and more intimate relationship with the friend who never left my side, Jesus Christ, and through His love, I've already been meeting new better friends...
I can only thank God for the happiness I've been feeling recently, and I don't intend on running away from His love again, not after all I've done to ruin a friendship I never fully understood and will probably never will
....this is only a portion of my story
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