*...adj:...*

Its like this dream is fading, but at least that means there's sleep

Sooo soooo tired...my eyes are drooping gently, closing, swooping, imagining scenes, plotting schemes, pretending all is as it seems when instead reality is literally bursting at the seams,

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*...no thing...*

Its hard, at times I feel so alone, at home, and people speak cus they think my heart is made of stone, they say those things that slash my dreams, and really only make nightmares reality, they rip the peace right out of me,

And I try, so hard I keep the pain inside of me, for if it shows they like to call me weak, and sometimes I tend to think, what kind of man do they see? Less of who I am and more like a freak, a lesser being,

A waste, a disease, a kick in the spleen, whatever it is..whatever it means, ......you've raped me of self integrity

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This was the the best memory of mine, we perched together like two birds on a power line. One false slip and I felt glitched. A tiny shock ran through my spine. And my little welp led to awkward silence, till you squinted both your eyelids with a look that I could only imagine. January 2nd is when it happened, and for the first time that year, you smiled in satisfaction. The reason being because the day before you watched your life walk out the door...

When we first met, it was like a sunset
Jaw dropping beauty existing in the universe unchecked
All by itself, it was top shelf
And all alone is how it felt
As the colors faded, way out past the horizon
I look her way and begged for her to open her eyes and

Come- join- me please
And forget all that they say
You're- not- a tease
They're just jealous in that way

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*...reflect...*

You hide away, behind the music and lights..friends and late nights..drugs and beer rides..finding comfort in the moment, but not holding on to anything for fear its true nature will be revealed and thw joy it once brought will be replaced by guilt or shame....your paranoid of this situation just barely enough that when asked you give a fake name.. so discusted by your past, things you just let..so ashamed of your beauty, you attack your wrist and face leaving you too weak hearted to take the meaning of your name to give access to a helpful soul..for. so longg you hid behind self made walls of a secret depression, surrounded by a similar feeling crowd so your loneliness is masked by numbers ironically ..but when the lights are off and the only light is the glow of your cell, you cry because you know this isn't happiness, this isn't love, this isn't healthy, this isn't fair, this isn't what you wanted, this isn't ...............your fault..my heart is with you..im right here beside you..my soul breaks in the wake of memories that bind me, I am lost in a sea of regret, burried in a grave of remorse for the help I can't provide, I water crops leading to the harvest of depression with my tears, if I never again see you here, ill meet you there...

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*...(Needed:) to be fixed...*

I feel my spirit searching..
I give up intoxication by alcohol, tobacco, etc. And I give up the company of people who partake in such acts involving said intoxicants. But is it just an outside change? I no longer crave the effects they dealt me in dealing with nervousness and stress..but my soul still searches for relief.. i've changed my tatics in finding a solution, but still suffer the same problem..all of this was in vain

I need to be fixed

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*...im sorry...*

The city I call my home no longer comforts me...not like it really did to begin..
Back before I moved to an empty apartment, I felt alone in a household. Even when im amongst people, I feel distant....I feel abandoned though I know I shouldnt

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*...damnDucks...*

The world says "good riddance" and "it was nice to know ya", "u didn't need that anyways, she's no good for u" ..or as one person put it sooo eloquently, "buck up Chuck, there'a always another duck to f..."

But that's not how I roll...no more duck f...ing
......damn ducks

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*...theSearchForSomethingNew...*

Discouraged is a fitting answer if the question was "How're you feeling?"

Down in the dumps, could work too. The simple comparison is thanks to having an empty 2br apt, no friends, no cable/internet/ just a phone and an xbox with beaten video games and memorized movies...

Where's something new?

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*...justa rannt...*

So im sitting here at 3:54am waiting to go into work at Publix..Im a baker's assistant doing a baker's job...I really do not like these hours...uggghhhhh

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*...decree ...*

Father, Your will not mine...I would surrender my life a thousand times, You are no contest...

You know the struggles of my life, You know the death of my pride, You know the meaning of my rhyme, You've known me all this time..

My heart has ripped and split, I clinch it closed within my fist, blood spills out and drips off of my fingertips, emotional scars remain the longest, Lord forgive me, I know You're strongest, this organ still lives a lie, with every beat it continues to die until one day it rots inside

My love, my Love.. a Lion, a lamb...
This decision has been made, my life for I Am

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*...tv screen...*

Now I am alive,
I see the movie
projecting from the light, searching for a chance to steal a glance and all this time ,
you sit there choosing
to watch your tv screen

Hello remote, the words just flow from your lips; the undertow has you slipping into its grip, "can't miss my show", even though, you could be apart of the featured film, but you decided to skip it, dip it, and now ur on your own sick and limpin, watchin the little black screen and how you could've made a difference

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*...confession...*

In all honesty, I don't know what to do.........

Every day something new is revealed to me as far what I need to give up to make more room for God...and for the most part, the initial sacrifice of these things I need to let go is hard but get easier as everyday I pray for strength to continue, all except one.....

Every time she pops in my head, I pray.. most times for Him to comfort me and help me get my mind off of her, and other times for her herself, praying she's fine..
I don't know if I should embrace the fact that she means so much to me still that I struggle everyday with letting her go, or to feel remorse for knowing there are minutes in my life when she trumps God and invades my thoughts....Lord please help relieve this..I don't want to give up on her, but I can not allow worldly memories of her condemn me based on Your jealousy, please forgive me

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*...defeatedPrayer...*

God is great, God is good...can you please take away these feelings? I know it was all my fault and I should have to deal with the consequences, but you're a loving God who has given us salvation..I ask for something so small in comparison to what you've already given..I know im no one to ask anything of you, but Father please..the slightest though about it drives me to my knees in agony, knowing I may never again get to be in that particular personable relationship ...Lord, help me?

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