*...acid rain...*

These acts we've slipped into, they carry us into alternate realities ..they pluck at the strings of our hearts, till a sour note is struck.. im scared to remember those deeds that began our downfall.. they're still so fresh in the front of my mind.. through this babbling have I lost track of the warning?.. I feel sheltered at times from an acid rain, but when I am covered, I curse the shade, and when it is removed, I cry out for it's replacement in screams of agony, "oh. Lord oh lord, how could you allow such a thing upon me?"

He who is Great, has all the power to stop anything...but sometimes we've decided to allow our own nightmares to reign over our lives....

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Times like these are always around the corner, but it's my causing and no one other's.. I should've said no the first time we shared a breath, but I was too caught up in the motion of our act.. injusticely I could ask for help from God, but He didn't put me in this situation, nah it was my fault..

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*...sad,sick,nightmare...*

She's the girl with the gauges and lip ring..she's got dyed hair that changes from week to week, I love the way she spreads her lips and cheeks showin her tiny, little white teeth.. its a smirk to start a heartbeat ...her eyes claimed my attention from a single bat their lashes, bangs hanging invading her face, if she was a thief i'd show her the stash, combination to the safe.. she doesn't have any tattoos but wants one, in a place that can't be seen, just a tad obscene, that's cool with me, I mean what can I say cus im not clean.. but that's the thing about this little girl of my dream fantasy, she's simple independent while loving the scene, she's attracted to a since of danger, ready to scream, ......just. another sad sick nightmare made reality

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*...another word...*

Its a struggle to swallow, emerging regret for a promise unkept..I wonder if my words are full or just completely hollow..I guess I wont find out anytime soon because time has stopped, sun frozen in the sky, set clocks to noon.. then take a step back, wait for the leader, but I don't know what im saying, im a dreamer not a speaker.. a wisher slash schemer, call me what you want but im sttill a make believer..

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*...swimming lessons...*

So im guessing today's just not one of my days.. I can't shake this feeling of, .....well, like when ur swimming underwater and u start to run out of air, and your lungs are starting to starve for air, and u break surface, that millisecond of when the air is rushing in, right before u feel safe, the panic/uncertainty is still there with that slight feeling that ur chest is about to implode ....that feeling is how I've been feeling, ........hope the day takes a turn for the better

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*...Vine...*

..though in spiritual rehabilitation, I still find myself acting like the man I tried to lay to rest. Like a vine growing twisted with tiny crawlers that attempt to latch onto anything that's close to provide stability. It would be a terrible thing if these sickly poisoned things leached onto another beautiful wildflower as they did before...crushed under the weight of this vine's hopes and dreams

God lend me strength and support..

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*...Love as written...*

I read through the book of the Song of Solomon, also known as the Song of Songs, today. At first, I didn't read it for myself, rather, I ended up reading the whole book in a few translations thanks to research. A very dear friend of mine, Amelia, had asked if I could draw her a picture based on the verse found in the third chapter..Verse five, it reads, "Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, by the gazelles and the wild dear, not to awaken love until the time is right" worded by the New Living Translation.

By reading the verse alone, I was amazed and confused....so, I read through the whole book to see if maybe in context there could be some light shared on the subject. So I read it through the New Living Translation (NLT), the English Standard Version (ESV), and the New International Version (NIV)...I also veiwed some versions through the King James Version (KJV) and the New King James Version (NKJV)...and through the different takes on the subject, small bits became clearer ....prayer also helped paint a more vivid picture, as it always seems to when you ask the original artist about His artwork

Those particular words, "Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, by the gazelles and the wild deer, not to awaken love until the time is right" regardless of the translation, occurs three different times...first in chapter two verse seven, a second time in the third chapter verse five, and again in the eighth chapter verse four.. the same message repeated three times throughout the small cryptic book of poetic design.

I have fallen even deeper in love with His living Word, even further into His arms I've devoted my soul...

I think I know just what I'm going to draw :)

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*...rearranged...*

I feel something has changed, something inside of me...obviously
nervousness has a name, a face, a frame...but where can I hide when I'm to blame...im the leader of a one man marching band, our song of depression is my claim to fame...and yet, this is who I was the day before yesterday, while today again I say I've changed...the truth revolves blindingly, my life remains dim, it is uncertian....I leave it to Him

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*...take a bite...*

as these days take flight...so do my dreams and wishes.
I want to remember everything, I want to feel all those emotions. what I want and what I need are completely different things...

I've always had an issue with being afraid of being left alone, abandoned so to speak. Some of these issues, im sure, stem from knowing I was put up for adoption. When I was younger, I only thought it was because my mother didn't want me..later as I grew older my parents now told me it was because she couldn't afford to raise me as she thought I should have a chance to be raised and that for 3years my parents wanted to adopt me but couldn't because my birth mother still could bare to let me go....they went on to say that everytime she and I got to visit at the adoption agency she cried when she had to buckle me up in my new parents' van......now I can understand having to let go of something that truely means the world to you.

another abandonment issue was when I did end up getting adopted, the family I lived with fostered a large group of kids all at one time, so for my first 4years living with the Mark family (my family now) I had alot of" brothers" and" sisters"....but when the adoption was finalized, there were just four kids left, three older foster brothers and myself, one of the foster brothers ended up being adopted by the Mark family as well, but moved out about 2years later.....I first moved in when I was 3, was adopted at age 6 and my brother moved out when he turned 18, I was 8... so I went from having a house full of people to being the only child at home...

it wasn't too bad at first because I was in a public elementary school and had friends there, but 2years later, I was enrolled into a smal private school with a grand total of 32 childern from the grades of Kindergarden to 12th grade..

I was in church this whole time, and moved from the childern's group to the youth group and was the only one my age, and being a shy/awkward kid didn't help much with making friends...

I eventually moved from my small private school to a semi-large community college when I was in 11th grade due to a program that allowed me to duel-enroll..a program that was/is offered to many students around the area I live, so I met new friends there, which was nice, but drama with an ex-girlfriend drove me away from the group of friends I had aquired and again I felt alone.....

ever since I was 14 I have been working, and have made professional friendships with many people, as to say, I was friends with people there while I was on the clock but never hungout with anyone after my shifts were done...this changed a little when I turned 17 when I was working at a local skating rink with kids my age, the first job I worked with people my age...so I got a new set of friends,....

but after my highschool graduation I moved out of state to attend college at Liberty University in Lynchburg, VA. Again I wa alone, but I lived on a dorm and met more friends...only to drop out after one semester due to lack of money and had to move back home...

after moving back home, my old friends all hated me for moving, and I couldn't blame them, so I didn't hangout with anyone for a year...then that's when I ventured out to find more..I found some, not the best group, but for the past 2years, they were a deciding factor in how my life had changed dramatically ....

my life style had been dominantly Christian, but moving back home and in desperate desire to feel like I was part of a group, I sunk in with a crowd that introduced me to alcohol, and then....drinking became my closest friend......however drinking caused me to go down a road I never intended on visiting...it drew me away from my walk with God....

present day; I turned my back on my friends yet again, but this time in hopes of finding that which I rejected,...a closer and more intimate relationship with the friend who never left my side, Jesus Christ, and through His love, I've already been meeting new better friends...

I can only thank God for the happiness I've been feeling recently, and I don't intend on running away from His love again, not after all I've done to ruin a friendship I never fully understood and will probably never will

....this is only a portion of my story

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*...confession...*

its a hunger..a craving..the desire to be the recipient of compassion from another being..to hear teasing words that please the ear..to see an attractive body drawing near..all temptaions..which sucks.......

ok, done with the cryptic, I like girls, I like pretty girls, I like that im happy around and dating pretty girls...but idk if I can honestly handle it right now, and the worst part is, I don't want to say no to pretty girls........ughhhh I need self-control....im trying to be a stronger Christian, and having a beautiful girl around me all the time makes it harder to focus on having a spiritual relationship with God when its much easier to get lost in a physical relationship with a girl who's right there....I have alot of work ahead of me, but I can rest assured Christ is there to help ease the burden of my sin and stress.........................................but Christ! did u have to make her so pretty when she wears a dress???

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*...sketchy...*

guess im back at it again, dedicated to a special friend, acceptance is the real gift..

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*...collection...*

many if not most of anything anyone will read on this particular blog consists of unfinished thoughts and phrases....just a disclaimer

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is it worth it in the end? looking forward before begin, planning out our every sin, trying to dodge convictions..its ok, I know im good,

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*...smiles...*

sometimes, the weight of the world rests on my shoulders..at least that's how I feel till I realize its just a mirror on my back reflecting my soured thoughts, its only after seeing the comparison that the idea of mind over matter sets in and convinces me that if we "feel it's real" then even if it's not, it is, in spirit....

im sad to admit im easily discouraged. Most of the time I can fake a smile, but a few close friends have said they can notice a difference between the real deal and the poser. But there's only maybe 4 people who are close enough to tell. I'm friendly but I wear a mask alot of times when I'm out and about, so if someone knows my "3key secrets" I'd say they're a close friend, and there are a limited amount of them though the number is slowly growing...

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the truth is I feel useless, ughhhh, these feelings come and go, sometimes its easy to just brush them aside, but then there are times when they pile up and smuther me..I don't understand, with a crazy chick that's all about me, but the one I want can't stand to talk to me, I guess its always happened this way, but at one time o had that girl of my dreams, till I messed with my chance and blew the whole thing away....all I did was said I cared and tried to help, tried to be there, but I guess when someone doesn't want help there's no way to force them, and now im sitting still hand covered face remembering the place I first met the girl with an angelbit face, some say there was nothing I could do, that she chose her own fate, I don't hear anything they say when im feeling this way, waking up from dreams every other morning covered in sweat and tears, shivering from head to toe with vivid homemade memories...

if anyone asks, I messed up and ill take the blame..id do anything I can, I kno I deserve the pain, love killed

and Love finds a way, through devastation I finally heard my name being called all the time by Jesus..now only for Him do I feel ashamed,,

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*...mermaid...*

check it out, now im underwater breathing, don't know how cus I swear my chest is heaving, cus my head is full of these sad thoughts and my stomach's empty from spewing chucks.......uh-hu-hum, can u hear me now? mic check real quick, im not getting sound.. sailed the seas and finally found a mermaid, started talking then ended up at her place, not really sure what just happened here, we made love but when I woke up she disappeared, but I guess that's just what happens when u sell urself to the oceans, find urself shipwrecked thanks to jagged emotions

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*...dreamComeTru...*

a morning stuttered yawn creeps from my throat......eyes open to a blurred world with still heavy eyelids......a broken heart thanks to being reminded, last night she visited in my dreams, we hugged and kissed like we never missed a thing, of course it felt so real 'cus its what my heart wanted to feel, but in the morning's dimming light there's a little twinkle from the tear that I cried.......

meeting you was a dream come true, the worst part is, nightmares are dreams too

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*...tiredThoughts...*

this was never what I intended..how could I have become so caughtt up in the way u spoke or the way u crooked ur smile...ur metal infected kisses pronounced the description of what I've been wishin....and when it ended, so terrible and quick, I was left to ponder the reasons of why you split, was it ever to mean anything? was it all just made up in the shape of a 3week fling?...

at the time u taught me not to regret, so now I don't but where did u go?
another

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*...09/12/10...*

wish I would've met u an hour ago, or so
cus I wasn't really sure what I was doing then, but now I know that it wasn't worth it in the end
whoa oh ohaa oh oh
I saw them in the food court,

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